Don't shake my hand immediately after I've left my room.
Ok, first of all, don't judge me ok? It should be a fuckin privilege to read my musings. It takes a lot of strength and courage to write this shit. I'm a serious artist. So without further ado, here's a story about a 7th grader jerking off.
My brother and I constantly fought growing up. We fought about shrimp chips, using the last bit of toothpaste, which Land Before Time movie we were going to watch (We had LBT 1-6). But mostly we fought about toys, and oh my... one toy in particular, Moby Lick. Oh, you don't know who Moby lick is? Well, let me enlighten you savages.
I don't know if you were aware, but I was living in a very special time in history. During adolescence I found myself with a deeper sense of understanding and wonder. It was a trying period of time, filled with mistakes and lessons to be learned, but I am eternally grateful that I was there to experience the Golden Age Of Childhood. From 1993 to 1997 it was an absolute cluster fuckery of the greatest cartoons and shows to ever air on television I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK AND YES this is a run on sentence and YES it will continue to run on because POWER-MOTHER-FUCKING-RANGERS CUH, POWER RANGERS. POKEMON. That's where the fuck I was livin B. Rita and Lord Zed juggin bitches. Mr. Mimes fuckin people moms and shit. Anarchy in the streets, dudes out here getting shot for pogs, getting stabbed for Holo Charizard Cards. God damn, what a time to be alive. That era produced Beast Wars, X-Men, Darkwing Duck, Toy Story, the Lion King, Mutant Turtles, and fauckin Doug man, DOUG, fauckin guy! Speak to anybody born in the 80s and 90s and they will go on and on about being the best generation of children. It was this beautiful splendor of naivete and entertainment!
We see these millennials and how they're raised, and we all hearken back to a time where it was simpler and carefree. I mean, it wasn’t all Otter Pops and Big League chew (Grape flavor, always Grape) growing up. Fuck, this is a long tangent, next time you see me, remind me and I’ll explain the cruelty that has befallen my generation.
During the midst of this cartoon chaos was a particular standout. Tucked in-between waking up and school was a show that captivated the imagination. 4 brothers, in attempt to find the whereabouts of their missing father, are turned into mutha fuckin sharks that EAT CONCRETE. Each one of them had cool powers, or at least roller blades, that helped them fight crime and every episode they would yell "Feeding Frenzy!" followed by the biting of walls and punching shit. Sick Ass Fool. They were called Street Sharks, and they tore shit up.
Now we have come full circle, because Moby Lick was like THE BADDEST DUDE on the fuckin show. Not only did he have this 4 foot long tongue, he was also half man half orca bruuh! SHAMOOOOOVE OUT THE WAY BITCH. He was a killer whale! Killer whales are amazing creatures, second only to the most graceful and intelligent animal out there, Dolphins man. Tbh, Dolphins are like my perfect dream girl, beautiful and smart, what more can a guy ask for amirite?
Anyways, the Moby Lick toy was equally as dope as his cartoon counterpart. It included a rotating tongue (ribbed for her pleasure), tiny hat, and squirting head. Don’t tell my brother, but I was really curious about women around that age, (I'm a growing boy!) and when no one was looking I would secretly make out with Moby Lick. WHAT! Don't judge me! I Don't tease you about being an asshole, so don't tease me about being a pervert. Wowwee. Fuck-a-Tilikum because that dude did not have the moves like Moby Lick.
Look at the fuckin striations of his arms! I can cry in those all night if I wanted to.
Have I told you guys that I’ve been massively sheltered when i was growing up. To the point where i couldn't watch wrestling, the Simpsons, and whenever Hercules (kevin sorbo) would make out with Xena, my mom would make us close our eyes! Then she would start yelling, "CLOSE YOUR EYES YOUR TOO YOUNG FOR THIS" so that our naive and overly sensitive minds wouldn't be corrupted by the shameless and gratuitous sex that was constantly shoved down our throats by shows like Seventh Heaven and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Mother mercy. This is my mom, giving me advice on sex:
“Mig, you know I wasn’t born yesterday…make sure you use protection haaaa”.
How does that even make sense?!
Which also reminds me of the first ever sexual comment she made to me. I was 19 (19!!) and after spending the whole day in my room, Karen (My GF at the time) had to leave, so I dropped her back home. The house was pitch black when I arrived. It was definitely past my curfew, and just as I was ever so delicately opening the garage door my mom spoke, like mutha fucka zeus, up on the banister. “Mig, it's late. I can hear you and Karen from my room. Its disgusting”. Fuck, what do i say to that? That wasn’t the last time she said something like that to me though. I should have slapped her in the face and said, “I lay that pipe game sick”. I’m sorry mom, but that's what you get when you shelter 3 boys from the evil and corrupt real world. You get a bunch of weird awkward deviants with a penchant of 90 pound girls with personality disorders. Thanks a bunch!
I did have this really weird recurring sexual dream when I was young. I dreamt that I flew on a magical bed covered in bamboo spikes and women would come lineup so I can perform sexual acts on them. Like what the fuck? Hahaha
I mean, there I was, like Little Nemo, in my pajamas and flying bed waiting for them. (I can imagine that obscure reference is lost on you. Look it up. I ain’t gonna reference Bedknobs and Broomsticks, fuck that movie.) A staircase would drop down and I would signal women to come on up. What kind of women would wait around for a 5th grader you may ask? Were they well- to-do women in the likes of…OH I DON'T KNOW, MOVIE STAR GEENA DAVIS. YEA, I pulled a Geena Davis, but post-Beetlejuice and pre-Cut Throat Island. Geena Davis fell off after that. Don’t tell her, because she doesn’t know it yet.
Remember tho, I didn't know what sex was like, so I imagined that I created a special technique that drove women crazy. Like yo, it never occurred to me that the bopis goes into the vagina. I wasn't even laying down any pipe, young mig was straight going H.A.M. eating armpit. EATING ARMPIT. That was my special technique. My ace in the hole. Women would fall victim to it. Shit, they lined up beside a floating bed. How can I even describe it...it was like...licking armpits man, like what was i thinking?! LOL
You know I didn't know how to jack off till I was in 7th grade. I remember the first time was during the summer of ‘97. During that time our parent would leave my brothers and I unattended. When they left I would go into my parents room and pilfer my dad's porn collection. It was quite possibly the oddest collection of porn that was STORED IN A FLOPPY DISK I've ever came across. There was no videos, however there was many low resolution pictures of young, (suspiciously young), unshaven, european and asian girls scantily clad in flight attendant uniforms. Not a bad kink.
You see, porn back in the early 90s was a hot commodity. You get what you can take. The internet was just blossoming and it wasn't the porn giant it is now. We were just scraping by. The struggle was real, brother. I was in my room between the hours of 12am & 2am jerking off to sound. TO SOUND. I’m talking about Channel 99, the playboy channel. Though you may not be lucky enough to see a titty or an asshole through your scrambled television, you were always privy to the glorious moans and groans of the actresses.
(OMG, look how big these gifs are! I can't adjust them! They are so imposing! They are offensively large. Oh yea, you know what, scrambled porn isn't half bad. Totes putting this in the spank bank)
That was when your imagination took you to new planet. A planet where Geena Davis is your boss and she is wearing nothing but a blouse sitting on a cafeteria table talking about how shitty her day was while your eat her out. Hold my tits that's steamy, oh wait, but not as steamy as a levitating bamboo lined bed. FUCK MAN! Those dreams are fuckin weird! That shit was fuckin dope back in the day!! I told you assholes PORN WAS FUCKIN SPARSE, SHIT!
I was just lucky enough that by the time I discovered the subtle art of masturbation my brother decided he was old enough to get his own room.
“aarrrrggghhh….tim, shield your eyes! i just opened an old sticky soda, yea i know it's weird that all the lights are off and i'm holding moby lick, ughhh….just go back to sleep!!.”
Just to let you assholes know, My brother and I had a great time going to bed. Sometimes I wouldn't fall asleep fast enough and I would lead us into a spontaneous song of rudolph the rednose reindeer. Of course I would do all the singing, as physically fit as he is, he wasn't fortunate enough to be blessed with the wide range of harmonious symphonies that my vocal cords can produce. yes yes, I am a man of many talents.
Oh yea, back to the story....
It was one of those super rare moments when a child is left to his own devices and the world was his playground. I can’t remember the exact details, but I was alone. My dad was at work, and my mom is just about to leave with my little brother, logically up to some gay things. This was my big chance, because my uncle came over the week before, and I know for a fact this asshole gave my dad porn. They were VHS tapes with a bunch of xxxxx’s on that bitch. Excited.
I’m sitting on the living room floor, my jaw is tense as I try the quell the nervous energy slowly filling me. My mom is pacing back and forth, grabbing things and getting ready. I knew I couldn't be too anxious, that’ll raise suspicion. I knew that if I just waited 10-15 minutes after they left I could have the rest of the day to myself. ohhhh, the sheer agony. It's like that, “I have to go pee feeling” but 23,687 times over.
I decided to finish up the last 10 minutes of Small Wonder. Small wonder was one of those tacky early 90s T.V. sitcoms with an absurd plot and irrational situations. Guy builds teenage daughter robot. Robot tries to learn how to be human. Throws Hulk Hogan off the coach. Hilarity ensues. Cut and print, beautiful guys, dynamite.
Anyways, Vicky the robot had just entered a trivia contest only to a find rival russian robot destroying the competition. And what would any able bodied hot blooded american do to a russian scientist? She destroyed that mother fucker and sent that cabbage eating fuck boy back to mother russia. logic question > robots. Read a fuckin book you smelly savages!
The show finished and the house fell silent. Checked the garage to see if the car had actually left, and then rushed into my parents room. That “pee” feeling again. I knew exactly where it was. my dad's dresser. top drawer. all neatly organized and oddly labeled to conceal their true identity, pronos.
It may have been divine providence, or my savage reptilian needs, or even my innate desire to breed and procreate, I don’t know, but something told me to play this tape. I popped that bitch in the vcr and let me tell you, my 12 year old mind couldn't have been more unprepared to witness the horrific sights that was displayed on that standard VHS cassette tape.
HOLY TITS. I didn't realize there was so much hair and skin….just fuckin everywhere. I remember thinking to myself, “is this how people have sex? This is my bepis and it goes where? in a woman virginia?”
Wow, completely fascinating I thought. I watched it for like 5 minutes, you know, just to fully absorb what was going on, just...pants down...holding my pedis in my hand...mouth agape, AGAPE. Completely befuddled. Honestly, Amazed.
I didn’t even know how to masturbate at the time, before that day I would just rub my junk on the armrest of the couch. As a watched further I noticed that if you grab the shaft of the pedis, and you know...gave it a little tug.
OH WOW. IS THIS HOW YOU DO IT?
I mean, it's not like this was a skill that was taught, or passed down from generation to generation. I didn't not know how to masturbate. It’s not like Moby Lick taught me. The only thing that asshole taught me was how to hide repressed sexual desires.
That day I learned there are at least 2 things I wasn't born knowing, swimming and jerking off. BUT WOW. Once you learn it or watched a bunch of black dudes do it over a white lady, the ball is off and rolling, and it is a downward spiral of self-loathing and euphoria.
The feeling was....“Wow this is the best ever” followed immediately by “this is disgusting, I’m a sick loser and I need a face towel”.
I don’t know why I'm tell you people this. You know we’re not too different, you and I. I can’t help that I am a introspective and I want to share my views upon the world. It’s healthy, and fuck you and YOUR JUDGING EYES.
When I was young, FUCK YEA! beating off is awesome! You’re hitting the precipice of adolescents and that sweet testosterone is flowing through your vein, the only thing you think of is getting off. Then later in life, (around my mid-late twenties) absolute disgust. Just absolute self-loathing. Really Mig? its 3 in the afternoon, it's like the second time already. Alright, I guess once more….