THE JOHNNY VENTURA POOP STORY
Have you ever sat in a tub filled with refried beans and kitty litter? I hear it's good for your skin.
Ahhh, I remember it like it was yesterday. It's because my amygdala, which controls traumatic experiences, will never let me forget.
It was the fifth grade, and young Mig was excited, elated even, at the chance to visit the real goldminers town of Calico. How he dreamed of exploring old rickety buildings, walking down main street, and buying overpriced fake gold and bullshit so he can feel like he's actually experiencing the GoldRoosh! Yee-haw!
Fuck outta here, that shit is stupid. You know how fuckin far Calico is?
There must be a clips on my nips because, fuck no I ain't about to sit in a mutha fuckin bus with no mutha fuckin smelly ass kids. -_-
So I'm sitting there waiting for the teacher to assign us buddies. I'm half expecting to get paired with Tony Caglia or Levi Stedman, future Ted Cruz and Wal-Mart employees. I mean it's fine, they were actually my best friends. Whatever.
"Luis, you're going to be paired up with....Johnny"
My eyes light up immediately
JOHNNY! JOHNNY VENTURA!?!?!?!? *heart eyes emoji*
Bruuuh, someone sit me down, I’m catching the vapors ‘cause Johnny Ventura finna be my fuckin buddy THE. WHOLE. FUCKIN. DAY.
JOHNNY VENTURA. (I had to place his name on a separate line, it would be disrespectful if i didn’t)
Young J.V. was arguably the most popular kid in the fifth grade. Like, I'm talking about crushes on deck, always the server on the 4 square courts, and never got stung by bees when we ate flowers from the bushes.
I remember his first day of elementary school, This fool showed up at like 12:45 while everyone was lining up after lunch. The sun was high up in the air and we could barely see this small silhouette walking towards us. As the figure drew closer, we noticed it was a young boy, around our age. He was dressed like a greaser from the Outsiders, white shirt, cuffed jeans, boots, slicked back hair, and on either side of him was his brothers, 2 large cholos wearing locs.
Like, are you fuckin joking? We were in the fourth grade at the time. What an entrance! He came with Cholos around him. Cholos! Cholos were movie character cliches to me back in the day, and to see one in person...amazing.
So needles to say, Johnny Ventura is instant cool. His name even sounds Cool. Johnny Ventura. I don’t know if it was fate, or divine intervention, but I was chosen. It was me. ME! A person from a lower social class, a booger eater some might have called me, but I was selected to be his buddy FOR. THE. ENTIRE. DAY.....*heart eyes emoji*
ok ok, so I didn’t have many friends and I kinda geeked out. Don't judge! Johnny is just a really a nice guy and we chatted up a storm during whole bus ride. It was the time of my life. When he looked at me and smiled it really made me feel welcomed ya know? I felt like I could tell him everything, and anything. The other kids would come and talk to him and I would feel included in their conversations. They finally acknowledged me with eye contact. I've never felt so alive.
Fuck you, you're judging, I know it.
Alas! That bus ride had to come to an end. We finally get to Calico and Johnny and I are slowly drawn to our respected groups(respective groups? respected groups? idk). Him with the cool kids and me with the rest of the booger eaters. We ate boogers, it was a fair label. I did have a crush on one of the booger eaters, Ana, and we hated each other. I would throw so much sand in her shoes, that's how I showed her I cared. One love Ana, one love.
The janky sandtown was uneventful. The lure and excitement of the gold rush was lost on us. We slowly piled back into the bus and I took my seat waiting for Johnny to come back to me. He greeted me with his inspirational smile and asked about my day. Before I can answer someone yelled out, “Hey Johnny, come sit with us!”. I recognized the sound of that voice, it was Dominic, my nemesis. He was one of those asshole popular kids and he was tall, so fuck that guy. Johnny looked back and then looked at me. I gave him a reassuring smile, as if I was telling him that it’s ok if he cheated on me. You can’t keep a singing bird caged. You Can't.
Johnny looked back at Dominic and said,”Naw, its ok man, Luis is my partner, I should stay with the assigned seats”
AH MAH GAWD! You ARE the COOLEST boy in 5th Grade!! Arrrhhhgghh!!!
After muffling my tears of joy, Johnny and I sat quietly, enjoying each others company. As the bus lazily strolls down the highway, I turn to look out the window when I feel a *gurgle*. Deep within my loins something is brewing. I try not to think about it, but the tremors in my stomach rapidly begin to intensify...
Oh jesus, sweet mercy heavens oh no! NOT NOW! I was fine when I got on the bus. At this point I’m visibly shaken and the color from my face is slowly disappearing. My mind raced as to possible explanations on why this was happening. What could it be? Motion sickness? No. Johnny's Eyes? Possibly. All those cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches I was eating all day? Not likely.
“Are you ok Luis? You don’t look so good”
Thank you for your concern Johnny, but I’m fine. Stay beautiful ok? I force a smile and give him a nod, but all I can think about was the gurgling of my stomach and the going home as fast as I can. Sweat poured down my face as I hum a tune through clenched teeth. Anything to keep my mind away from what is sure to come. I sat anxiously as I looked at Johnny next to me.
I was imagining if I did shit my pants, how Johnny was going to feel? It would wreck him emotionally and ruin our blossoming friendship. Just hang in there! We're close I can feel it! And then I hear those words...
“We are approaching the school, please gather your things we will be leaving soon.”
A smile slowly spread across my face, for I knew salvation is mere moments away, but that smile slowly turned into a rolling grimace because that was it. That split second. That bat of an eyelash moment of relief and my joyful exuberance turned into horror when I literally lost my shit. I lost it, I really did, on a fuckin bus, in my navy blue short shorts, next to fuckin JOHNNY VENTURA.
Oh God, I wish I could have told you it was the worst feeling ever. I wish that I can tell you the sandy play-doh being expelled from my body is the lowest point in my life, but I can’t...because IT FELT AMAZING. It felt like my whole body melted into the cosmos, and it became one with the galaxy. Holy fuck it was the greatest feeling, just absolute relief and bliss. I have never felt anything like that...well, except for the other 2 times shitted my pants, but those are different stories for a different time. :P
After the initial shock I was completely mortified. I looked at Johnny, and he had this face like he knew I shit my pants but didn't know how to ask. I smiled at him, but before he or I could say anything we were dismissed from the bus. Safe, for the time being.
I immediately asked my teacher if I could use the restroom. She said, “We are going to an assembly, can you wait alil longer?”
Are you fuckin serious? Like, a fuckin assembly at this time? I mean...I guess bitch. I can wait a lil longer, I don't really have to go now. God dammit! It was squishy, and I could feel the grainy texture in my shorts every time I sat down or walked. It was like the insides of a pumpkin was stuffed down my pants.
Ugh….the assembly hall was the cafeteria, and everyone sat indian style on the floor. I made it a point to sit as far from human life as possible, for I could sense the smell becoming stronger by the second. To my surprise no one had said anything, and in my mind I was in the clear. Then I began to hear snicker in the background and loud sniffing noises. “man, it smells like fart in here” “I know, I think it's luis” “hehehehe”
I froze, shocked, mortified, confused. a tingle ran down my spine as everything fell silent. I was sweating (if you haven't noticed, I sweat A LOT) profusely as I prepared to face the harsh reality of my crime. I could imagine the next day and the years to come. Boy shit his pants and everyone remember till they die and we'll never let boy forget he shit his pants.
"Ok, have a great rest of your day”
Assembly was dismissed and I walk home. I clutched my butt in fear that poop would fall through my shorts. I got home and told my dad. I laughed and I showered. Mig 1 World 0.