The shitty in-between years
I think middle school really defined me as a person.
It didn’t. But let's give an irrelevant part of my life some meaning, and say it did. At the end of 5th grade my Mom asked me a very important question. What middle school did you want to go too? The choices were either Etiwanda Intermediate, or Sacred Heart Private School.
Etiwanda was the public school that all my friends were going to go to. So, like 3 people. Super dope.
Sacred heart private school was a rundown and forgotten office building tucked behind an even older and rundown church. I knew one person.
Guess which one I picked!
Scared Heart wasn't that bad. I mean sure, the paint was chipping, ground was cracked, there was never any balls to play with, computers were old, rooms were smelly, built on a indian burial ground, cursed by mummy...If you completely ignored all that, it was fine. Completely fine and I don't regret the decision in coming here whatsoever, like 100%! No regrets and no thinking about how my life would have turned out so much better going to a well funded school with at least 3 of my friends who I could have grown up with and the transition to high school would have been so much easier omg there is not one speck of bitterness and anguish in my heart for the last 20 years like not even one!! :D
Sacred Heart was ran by a one, Father Galia (LOL), great guy if you hate yourself. He had thick eyebrows, pointy nose, permanent scowl, hates jews...think of Count Von Count from Sesame Street. All of the Counts traits, minus the monocle. Father Galia ran that shit like he was persecuting witches at salem. He was a god fearing, hell and brimstone type pastor, scared the shit out of me while we were growing up.
He’d make examples of people by publicly denouncing and berating them in front of the whole congregation. Like, when people are late to church because of totally understandable circumstances, he would stop the mass and call them out. Hella awkward. I’m like, calm down man, jesus is probably cool with it bruh bruh.
He left the parish and I tried googling him but nothing popped up. He should really work on his SEO, fuckin scrub. Anyways, Father Steve came and saved the day. He was this late 30s white guy, blonde hair, cool demeanor. He was the "cool" pastor. He wore flip flops and we'd see him and be all, "Here comes that boi!" and hes all like, "O shit waddup!" Nice guy, everyone loved him. You knew he was christian at some point, because catholics have zero chill. Father Steve looked like he masturbated regularly and not all crazy sexually repressed and molested by a "trusted older friend" like Father Galia.
I had the 6th grade, with Mrs. Holgado.
Oh fuck, I don’t think I cried more times in my LLLIIIFFFEEE. HAHAHAH!! Mrs.Holgado was this 60 year old filipino lady, so from the GET she placed these high expectations on me. I was 1 of 3 filipinos in that class and each one of us, she demanded more. Better Science projects, higher grades, class participation, actual studying. Damn Mrs. Holgado get off this dick! I'm just trying to chill, over achieving is for overachievers!
Nope, that attitude didn't stop her from being a cunty old lady that liked to belittle me during class. It also didn't help that I was a cry baby and she made me cry like 4 times.
You know, I don't remember having deep complex emotions until I reached the sixth grade. Elementary school was all, “Yea, recess and watching wrestling, and video games!!”. When I got to the sixth grade it was expectations, feelings of inadequacy, and social growth. All of those things my tiny mind was unable to process. As I look back it seems so trivial now, like I shouldn’t even be writing about it. but it was a big deal back to young mig, because the 6th grade made him feel stupid.
I remember crying when I got a 20% in my spelling test. I studied all night with my mom for that test. I wasn’t a very good speller, it was probably my worst skill, only second to english of course. We were learning prefixes (con-, pro-, de-) and my mom quizzed me all night for that mutha fucker. I was fuckin prepared! On the test, I spelled the prefix first, paused, relaxed, then spelled the rest of the word. I was pretty confident that I aced that shit, and after I get my test back I’m going to show my mom and I see that proud look on her face. Booooy, rarely do I get a proud look on my mom's face and I was excited. I really was.
We graded each other's tests, so when a fellow student, (That fuckin snitch, Stephen Le (ALERT! AUTHORS NOTE: NEVER TRUST THE CHINESE)) handed my my test back and I saw all these red marks, I fuckin lost it. During that brief little pause I guess I added a little gap between the prefix and the word, and he thought I was spelling 2 words. So it would look like:
Con verge
Pro active
Re appear
Fck DaChinese
And every one of those tiny gaps he marked incorrect?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKIN RETARDED STEPHEN LE? ALL MY WORDS ARE SPELLED CORRECTLY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PENALIZE ME BECAUSE OF A GAP? A HAITUS? AN INTERMISSION OF ORTHOGRAPHY?? (Study of spelling. I looked it up. I know it doesn't make sense, i just wanted to use to word, ok?)
You know, that really stung. I wanted to make my mom proud because I really fuckin tried on that test. I was trying to explain to Mrs. Holgado after the test, but she couldn't understand my blubbering as great big pillows of tears rolled down my face. She also didn’t change my grade even though I spelled those words correctly. What a bitch!
You know what hurt more? The smug look on Stephen Le's face when he brought my test up to her. Like he caught me doing something fishy, and he was proud of it. YO, IM FUCKIN HEATED. STEPHEN LE I DON’T KNOW HOW YOUR CONCEIT AND SNOBBERY TRANSCENDED TIME AND SPACE TO FUCK ME UP 20 YEARS IN THE FUTURE BUT FUCK YOU DAWG.
I WILL SEARCH FOR YOU!
…….(which did not take long)
I FOUND YOU AND I AM UNDERWHELMED
He looks like 5 billion other people so maybe it's him maybe its not?
Hey, no matter how much money you make or computers you program, I still pushed you down and made you cry during football. PAYBACKS A BITCH STEPHEN LE. I bet they didn’t teach you that in berkeley.
7th grade wasn’t much different, even though you can call it my best year.
Naawww, it was shit too, the whole class called me Louie the entire year, like give me a fuckin break. Do I even look like a fuckin Louie? It was all thanks to this asshole, Mr. Dalimont, he was our 7th grade teacher. We called him Mr. D for short. Supposedly he was the "cool" teacher.
He was this chubby hawaiian version of uncle joey from Full House, minus the cool shirts and squirrel puppets. I know some of you are thinking, “oh how cute! What a fun environment to cultivate learning!”. Non-stop laugh right? NO, that shit got old real fuckin quick. He was also the english teacher and he wouldn’t let us use slang words, or any word not in the dictionary. You know what word is not in the dictionary? The word “YEA”. Just imagine a 12 year old being corrected, every single time, whenever he uses the word yea.
“Oh, luis, is “yea” in the dictionary?”
“Excuse me mr. garcia, is that the slang term “YEA” you used?”
He would say it obnoxious too, like he was teaching a monkey how to correctly peel a banana.
He’s was also the type of asshole to say, “ I don't know, CAAAAA-AN you?” whenever you use the word “CAN” instead of “MAY”. Fuck you dawg.
(Formal english communication, both in oral and written form, fucks me up and continues to fuck me up. I don’t like it, there are too many rules, and too many loopholes in those rules. It’s just like white people to come up with a platform to look down on you from, and when you follow their rules and try to rise above your means, they will find ways to knock you back down. Watch kevin costner's portrayal of robin hood in prince of thieves. Capable, enthralling, conniving, cunning, self-righteous and untrustworthy. What the fuck am i talking about. Oh yea, language. Well fuck man, its communication. As long as you understand what i'm saying then what's with all these formalities. The sender must always encode their message in respect to the receiver, but the receiver must decode the message in respect of the sender for complete understanding to occur. Again, what the fuck am i talking about…?)
You know the song “Louie Louie”? Yea, Mr. D would sing it every fuckin time I raised my hand or said anything. Its fuckin awkward. Like, am I just going to just sit there as you sing and jive step across the classroom. My coworkers are doing this same thing now, and I just don’t know what kind of reaction they are trying to elicit. Please don't, I'm begging you. If you a homie, be a homie. I just don’t know how to react. By the end of the year I just stopped saying anything or asking questions.
Yeaaaa...So I pooped my pants again in the eighth grade. I don’t want to talk about it, mainly because there aren’t any cute boys in this story. There was no grand romance, or an evil stepmother. Nope, I shit my shorts during a test. 2/3rds of the way through and I got a serious case of the grumblies. I quickly turned in my test and excused myself to the restroom. I scrapped as much poo from my soiled boxers as I could, then called my dad to pick me up.
I’ve heard the fuckin stories ok? You know, the poop stories. When kids shit themselves in school, and that story follows them forever. Yea, fuck that. I’ve seen Happy Gilmore, and adam sandler isn’t going to save the day and release spanglish in his pants to make me or anyone else feel better.
*Writers note: This is a 2 stage joke. I hope you assholes realize the craftsmanship you are reading. Stage 1, I don't know if you if you seen Happy Gilmore, but he pretends to wet himself to make a little kid feel better. Stage 2, lets be serious here, I can’t remember the last good adam sandler movie, this boob is clown shoes, fuck out of here. If you didn’t get the joke, his movie are shit, and I am using “releasing spanglish in his shorts” as an analogy for shitting your pants. Take that all in. Also instead of referring to the movie Spanglish I could have also referred to Little nicky, Click, grown-ups, jack and jill, and its 2016 right now, so the next 3-4 adam sandler movies that will come out in the future.
