This counts as doing sex right?

I mean, it's not like you were fuckin amazing the first time around. I didn't know what I was doing, I just started masturbating a week ago. 

Ok fuck, let me set up the scene a little bit. This was post high school (I was 19 at the time) and I really didn't have a core group of friends I constantly hung out with. So I kinda meandered through different groups until I over stayed my welcome and made it uncomfortable for everyone in it. 

I did reconnect with one High School friend of mine, her name was Kulky, and she's probably the sweetest Indian girl I've ever met. Extremely intelligent and studying to be a psychologist, she excelled in academics and was enjoyed by everybody. She had this warm energy that naturally drew white dicks into any and all of her orifices. Needless to say, she friend-zoned me real quick.

How quickly was I thrown into the friend zone?

Let me think....

 “Oh, my name is Kulky, nice to meet you Luis. Would you like to know why I’m dating this loser who plays in a punk band? Let me give you a hint, he has a big dick”.  

Thanks for that wonderful tid bit of information! Fuck, women love to unload their problems on me! Holy shit, and I find it extremely entertaining. Wait, there is nothing wrong with having a lot of girl friends. (notice the space between “girl” and “friend”) I find these relationships far more rewarding and beneficial. Like c'mon, can I please meet a dude that listens? Real talk, like sometimes I come to them with my problems or issues and they are quick to pass judgement, or interrupt me and change the subject. Like woah guy, why are we even friends if I am unable to unload my emotional baggage on you? I’m not even done laying down my premises to my argument and you finna dismiss me like that? What I gotta say is important too, communication is key ok? Men can be so selfish , always thinking about themselves and...

You know what it’s fine. I'm Fine. I don't need that shit. I mean you get so...argg. You know what..yea, no I’m fine. I dont give a fuck where we going to eat, whatever.

So Kulky went to UCR (university of riverside). Quick Note: FUCK RIVERSIDE. NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME OUT OF THAT ABYSS OF DESPAIR. I’VE NEVER HAD A GOOD TIME IN THAT CITY AND I NEVER WILL. THIS WILL COME UP AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD.

So being from the 909, Kulky hung out with a lot of white dudes that wore Famous Stars and Stripes, drove lifted trucks, and listened to the Kottonmouth Kings. For you fortunate enough to not know of the Kottonmouth Kings, they were this rap rock group that formed in 1996. They were said to have been influenced by groups such as  the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rage Against The Machine, Tupac, and N.W.A., which is entirely incorrect because these people actually produced good music. Their style and music far more resembles 2 drunk juggalos punching each other in the dick.

You know what? I can't. I can't describe these assholes, it’s insulting to me as an artist. Like fuck, they sound like Fred Durst rapping with Crazytown. HOW AWFUL IS THAT. I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN COMPARE. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE RARE CASES WHERE THE TRUTH IS FAR WORST THAN ANY FUCKIN ANALOGY MY BRAIN CAN IMAGINE. Fuck Crazytown. Fuck Fred Durst. Fuck young mig because that asshoole reps these mutha fuckers so fuckin hard. Young mig listened to that shit HEAVY. Uggh..THAT WAS AN AWFUL TIME OF MY LIFE. I dressed all in black, wore a black ankh necklace, and limp bizkit shirts. Fuck, I was so angsty for literally NO REASON.

Wait wait, anyways, KULKY!  Sorry, went on another tangent. Where was I? Oh yea, she fucked a lot of lame white dudes that played in either emo or punk bands. I didn't mind that she fucked all these dudes, but at least fuck dudes that are cool. I'm the one stuck third wheeling it. So inconsiderate these people. 

I did make out with one of her friends, who was probably the coolest person I’ve ever made out with. She was this lesbian Jewish girl that adored me. Awww, I miss her! I met her at random party, and she said that she was so happy that I showed up. She had a split tongue, so she kinda had like 2 mini tongues, and wow that was so awesome. *Heart eyes Emojie*x3 She moved to New York the very next week and I never got to see her again. :(

Since this was Kulky's first year at UCR, I would go visit her at her dorm. She had this roommate named Crystal Pearl, which is an awful thing to name a child. She was this BIG Filipina girl from the bay area, like she could have easily dead lift my weight in dried mangoes. She once power bombed a baby orca onto a bed of thumb tacks. She was so large and innocent looking, she had a slight lisp and was totally adorable.

When she wasn’t going to school and playing giant Japanese drums(no joke, she did this), she was coming on to me VERY AGGRESSIVELY. I needed a chiropractor because I was taken so aback. (That’s a top tier joke)

We would talk pretty frequently on AIM and the things this girl would say...I would have to place my hand over my heart it was so disquieting. I mean, to young mig it certainly was. If it wasn’t for that porn I watched in the 7th grade, I would still be licking armpits. She would describe her many sexual conquests and I would ask her questions about techniques and how to seduce women. These conversations were just precursors to the awful awful sexual experiences I would share with this girl over the next few weeks.

We drunkenly made out for the first time in her dorm room lobby. It was a long make out session, I got to second base that night :D. It's weird to me that certain things have to be taught, but you just naturally know how to get to second base, like right on! 

Unfortunately she tried to felate my uncooperative bepis. Fuck man, I’m sorry! I'M SORRY! I couldn’t get it up! I was 19, drunk and nervous! She was the first person to handle my dangle, fuck bro, that's so much pressure to put on a young man. My fuckin heart was racing! I think it was the first panic attack I’ve ever had where my dick was in the hands of another person. Not a good look.

I calmly explained to her that this was the first time, and we should continue it another day. She sighed, and I can see the reluctance in her face, but she quickly forgot about it when I fell asleep face first on the lobby floor.

Kulky caught us mid session. I got the bulk of her disgust the very next day. You see, Kulky didn’t like Crystal because she thought she was stuck up. Crystal didn’t like Kulky because she thought she was a slut. I don’t understand. Crystal and I continued to talk on AIM and she would berate me about my inabilities. Thanks Bitch. but I got a plan for you. Ima get in those fuckin cheeks next time I see you, you know this. 

Fast forward a few weeks later. I’m back in the sarlacc pit , also known as Riverside. Crystal invited me to a house party and from what I can remember I was drunk as soon as I got there. So 19 year old Mig is dancing with random bitches, spilling beer everywhere, just having a great fuckin time. This is a picture of 19 year old Mig btw

who honestly fucks this guy?

So I'm waiting in line to use to restroom. and naturally talking to a dude next to me and Crystal grabs my shirt and vigorously makes out with me. Wow, talk about being swept off my feet. Take notes ladies, the quickest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, but through his urethra, because he now has a urinary tract infection which you caused through a non-consensual bathroom line make out session. LOL. (thats a good one I can tell)

The dude next to me had the biggest wtf smile like, “damn, this fools game is tiiightt.” He asked me if I knew her and I was like, “Naw, rule number 1, don’t trust no bitch”

The night was drawing to a close and we retreated back to her apartment(She moved). We entered her room and I throw her on her bed. The mixture of rum and jack daniels quieted the apprehension in my thoughts and the panic of my movements. I remember the dim yellow glow of her incandescent light bulb. She's smiling at me, as if she already knew of what was to come. I brushed her cheek with my hand, and I lean for a kiss. It was slow at first, long and passionate, while curious hands exploring creases and contours. I was content to stay in this moment all night, but then I feel her fingers around my belt buckle, desperately trying to undue my button-fly (thee fucckin worst). I help her and she reaches for me, bedlam erupts. Clothes are thrown between loud panting and screams, she has a look of murder in her eyes. Pure hate fills the room as I raise her legs into the air. She is muttering something angry underneath her breath. I don't hear her as I wrap my fingers around her mouth. Her whimpering ceases as I take a deep breathe and LOSE MY VIRGINITY! 

Hey, Welcome! 

I look back at it now, and it didn’t strike me as a very special moment in my life. Mainly because the next thing I remember is pushing Crystal off of me after 2 pumps, and quickly falling asleep. I turn my back to her as I lay face down on her bed unconscious. I wanted her to see the asshole she kinda had sex with? Haha, that's a Pun! Does that count? Honestly, does 2 pumps and not climaxing count? As long as I break the barrier right? 

Fuck….for the longest time I completely forgot Crystal took my virginity. My mind must have repressed it for self preservation. I woke up the next morning naked, not knowing where I was, with naked crystal sleeping next to me. I kissed her on the cheek before I left and I never saw her again. I hope she is doing well. Also PSA! Please don’t tell your current girlfriend at Disneyland in front of her cousins how you lost your virginity. You will be fucked up the rest of the day.

As with Kulky, we sort of lost touch for a few months but we reunited at a Riverside Halloween party later on that year. Of course, I did not have the greatest time there due to the fact that I was proposed into a bisexual 3-some by some RANDOM dude and some sloppy bitch. I was to drunk to drive so I decided to crash on the couch. I woke up to RANDOM dude laying on top of me and the bottom of my pants being soaking wet. What in the fuck random dude, and why am I wet? Turns out this guy pissed his mother fucking pants and I sleep sat in his fuckin dick water the whole night. Too embarrassed to do anything, I get up and drive my fuckin ass home. To say the very least, that was also the last time I saw Kulky and FUCK RIVERSIDE.

FUCKIN FUCK THAT PLACE.