Mig's First Girlfriend LOL

We still talk to this day, and I asked her,
"What do you want your alias to be in my story? You look like you would have a gender-neutral name" 
"Oh, yea, gender neutral...I like that...I want DAN to be my name!"
"SO DAN IT IS -_-"
 

The Maddest of RESPECTS to the first chick that ever dated me. What was you thinking! Honestly?

 

One of my favorite memories is the day Dan and I watched the movie Troy in theaters. I fell in love with the movie the second it started. WOW. This was probably Brad Pitt’s best role since Interview with the Vampire or since ever.

First and foremost, you see buns right away, HOT STEAMED BUNS, like the first 5 minutes. Let me set the scene...It’s after noon, and Brad is just waking up after a slobber knocker orgy fuckfest with these 2 greek chicks, right. He pushes them off to get dressed and then BAM! The most perfect set of dinner rolls to ever emerge from cow hide sheets. God dammit Brad, LOOK HOW TIGHT THOSE CIABATTAS ARE. Magnificent crust on those croissants!! Fuck bro, slap some spam between those Hawaiian sweet breads and dinner is YOU!

Brad plays as greek hero Achilles, and he is storming the Trojan beach with his homies. UNBELIEVABLE. This is honestly one of my favorite fight scenes ever, and I was completely captivated by the amount of action wizardry that is taking place. Achilles moves fluidly and gracefully during battle, ensuring that every action and every movement had a purpose and a place. At one point he picked up a spear and HURLED it through an opponent's face.

"AH MY GAWD HAHAHAHAH!!!"

“DAN!! Why are you laughing so hard!, thats not funny!!" I screamed through clenched teeth.

“Buahaha HE GOT HIT IN FACE AAh mah god, bauauhaha LEWIS!!”

(Please note the amount of fuckin times people get hit in the face)

She calls me Lewis, in her deep throaty voice. Which is my favorite voice. She sounds like asian Daria with all the sarcasm and wit that comes with it. I met Dan through a friend, Mable. I found her attractive immediately. It was the chubby high cheek bones and black rimmed glasses. I'm a sucker for hipsters what can i say?!

Mable didn’t like Dan very much. I don't know why. Like how can you be friends with someone for like 74548 years and not like each other? People are just weird like that, right?

We didn't start dating immediately. My game is like a slow poison. It creeps up on ya, and by the time you know it, BAM! YOU DEAD FAM.

I don't remember "courting" her in particular, we just sort liked each other and dated, and when I say "we sort of liked each other and dated" thats exactly what happened.

One night we were drunk and we made out in Mable's old astro van. Immediately afterwards the first thing she did was scream "OMG!!". The next evening we went to a park and I said to her in verbatim,"So like uhh, are we going out now??"

I wish it wasn't so anti-climatic, but hey, i was 19. 

As soon as Dan and I started dating, Mable and I stopped talking. All good, because Dan was great, I mean, I don’t know why I broke up with her. (This will be a recurring theme)

She was this blossoming artsy hipster girl, which was perfect because I was really embracing the emo culture. We made quite the pair, and we both wore girl pants so that was really cute. Her parents were nurses and they gave her a gas card that she can use whenevers. We took advantage of this and drove EVERYWHERE. Random art (free) shows in LA, emo shows in the OC, whatever, as long as it was free or 10 bucks to get in, it was lit.

We made the most out of our situation. Since we were both poor we made each other birthday and Christmas presents, 7 month anniversary cards, picture frames, whatever!

I gotta find it, but I made her a 10 minute music video for our 1 year anniversary. She should have let me hit the butt for that fuckin video. It took like 9 hours to shoot a 10 minute video. It had a story line, my friend edited it, it was fuckin awesome. It may sound kinda lame, but I still have all the things that she made me. We didn't have much, but when I’m with my baby, all that I need is my baby, ya feel?

Okay, so I’m giving Dan the credit of taking my virginity, because, c’mon? The last time didn’t really count did it? Naw. 2 pumps don’t count, right? Fuck, read the other story if you don't know!

So there it was. The magical evening. I think this was like a few weeks into the relationship. I don't think I've ever had sex with a girl without getting to know her for like a week and a half first. That's not weird you assholes, that's called respecting intimacy and the cherishing that personal connection. YEEAA!!

I mean, hell yea I wanted to hit it. I was tired of playing thigh rub fight club for the past week.

We spoke about it earlier in the day, and this was a special night, ya know? Like, she had a boyfriend before me so she knew how to drop it and get her eagle on, but me? I was coming at this with fresh eyes and a new experience. I didn’t even acknowledge the drunken half sex that was my previous life. This mig was new and naive, and old mig was still getting pissed on.

So the lights were off and John Mayer’s Room For Squares album is playing in the background. Even though this was probably 2005 and Heavier Things released like a year ago, I can not be any happier losing my virginity to 3x5. Like are you serious? Room for Squares is hit after hit. I wish that the CD player froze so I could stop appreciating John Mayer's sultry voice and Dan and I can start fuckin. Oh my god, what if we fucked up and played Heavier Things instead? That album was TRASH. REAL TALK, Daughters saved that shit from going straight into a volcano.

Wait wait wait, sorry John Mayer gets me all warm and shit. Where was I ?

So the lights were off and "Your body is a wonder land" is playing in the background. Yo, what I should have done was wait a whole another year for Continuum to drop and lost my virginity to Gravity. Bitches be losing their shit to Gravity, panties weeeeee-et with anticipation. Isaac Newton lost his virginity to Gravity, that’s how much this song fucks you up. Shit! Talk about regrets, amirite?

FACK!, OK sorry sorry. Ima just not mention him, but please understand the beautiful atmosphere that John creates, especially if you're going to lose your virginity. I mean, no question. NO QUESTION!

Ok, so we are kissing and saying sweet things. I have her in half-guard and we are slowly removing articles of clothing. As my hand travels from her face and down her body I noticed a hole. This was it. This is it! I paused for a second to reflect on my journey from adolescents to adulthood. What a beautiful moment ya know. This woman is allowing me, of all people, to become one with her.That's amazing, cherish that shit. That connection, its beautiful!

“Ugh Lewis, that’s my belly button”

*Scrambles to find vagina hole*

“Omg what are you doing”

“HOLY SHIT, IT’S THIS LOW?!?!?”

I'M A MAN NOW! THAT SHIT WAS MINE

I don't know why I broke up with Dan. I mean, we never fought or anything. Ima just chalk it up on being young and naive. We started hanging out like 10 years later, when I was 29. She still got it tho. The same smile and dry humor. Hahaha, We were reminiscing about the times I would sneak her in and out of my bedroom window at like 3am in morning.  

“Sometimes you would take me out through the garage. That was nice”