Is it because i'm a Libra? I hate that title too
The story about the one I let go, but chased right after...but let go again...but she came back though! But then she left, and we do this like 3 more times and now shes finally the one that got away.
So I dated this bitch for like 5 years on and off, like on for 2 ½ years, off for like 8 months then back on, then back off, you get the fuckin point. She’s the fuckin sweetest and nicest girlfriend you can ever date. 10 years later and I started dating her again! JESSUUUSS. (MOTHER FUCKIN MOTHER FUCKER)
Maan...So, I dated Jessica (Jessica Day :P) like a week and a half after I broke up with Dan. What can I say, I’m a romantic. Coincidentally Jess broke up with her boyfriend about the same time too. Her boy, Alex, was this druggy cheater that she dumped. More about him later.
Jess is like a girl next door type, and if I can describe her… she's kinda like Helen Hunt. You know, she's kind of a goody two-shoes, but she has this strength and intelligence about her. Like, you know if you pick a fight with her, you're going to regret it. She is very family oriented, obsessed with Harry Potter and Disney movies. Her favorite princess is Belle because “she was a good role model and liked to read” wtf Jess...very motherly and caring. Just fuckin sweet, like she tutors kids and feels good about it. I tutor kids and lose hope for the future.
She does have a dark, DARK side to her. Don’t let the sundresses and Zooey Deschanel bangs fool you, don’t fuck with her. I’ve been lucky enough to stay in her good graces through all the shit I put her through, but this bitch is notorious for kicking dudes in the dick and shoving knives into people’s tires.
Ohhh bitch, don’t you fuckin do it. Notice that I said “notorious”, meaning “known for” and "she's done it more than once", AND if you are a particular asshole, more than one tire. I hope she don’t read this, cause I called her bitch like 8 times since I started writing, but that’s more like a term of endearment coming from me to her. She’s snarky and sarcastic as fuck and she doesn’t give yo boi no fuckin respect ever. Even when I beat her in scrabble, she don't give me NO credit, NOTHING.
We got together like summertime 2005. I was close to her cousin Xola the Royal Aphrodisiac, but lets call her Xtra for short. I’ve been telling Xtra that I wasn’t happy with my current girl, Dan, for no reason whats-so-ever and we finna split. This perks Xtra right up and she starts gassing me about Jessica.
I'm like, "Yo, this is like out of the frying pan into the frier, I ain't even break it off with this girl yet." Yada yada yada, Xtra puts her number on my phone, and I'm like, "Sure, whatever".
A few days later I'm adjusting to the newly single life, and like any start to any random romcom I accidentally text Jess. (My coworker is also named Jess). Long story short, I’m with Xtra holding a Strawberry Wave from Juice it Up standing in front of this chick’s door.
P.S. I don’t trust nobody that favorites strawberry drinks. It’s too plain, way too safe. It’s like saying my favorite sandwich is Ham and cheese. Yea man, ham & cheese sandwiches are good, but to say it was my favorite? Nawww
P.S.S. It depends on my mood and time of day but I like Mango-a-go-go’s in the afternoon, and Peanut Butter Moo’d in the early evening. Jamba Juice is fuckable. Not Juice it Up.
It's pretty awkward showing up to a girl's door with a half melted smoothie. Especially because this was like a blind meeting sort of thing. I knew what she looked like in pictures, but that was it. We briefly met years ago at a church carnival. We was a rushed meeting because group of friends and I were kicked out by the cops because my homies wanted to jump this dude, AT A CHURCH CARNIVAL. LOL.
The cop literally said to us, "Who's rice rocket did you guys roll up in here with?" LOL. Pfft, we rolled up in a 1997 magenta Jeep Grand Cherokee, fuckin pig.
So Jess and I are standing there, talking for like 10-15 minutes. She had to make it quick, because her parents were home and they are pretty strict. Plus I think it was like a weekend or something and she needed to go to church to PASS OUT THE BODY OF CHRIST. Oh, did I forget to mention she is a Eucharistic Minister and her Dad is like the main altar boy trainer and shit.
We go out to Red Robin on our first date.
Red Robin is a burger joint that serves $8 burgers with unlimited steak fries. THEY GOT THE BEST POPPY SEED HONEY MUSTARD THAT YOU WILL EVER TRY. DON’T SLEEP
Well, I don’t know if I could call it a date. I mean ,we just hung out. The word date is rife with connotations, and at that time I was just feeling out the situation, ya know? It was pretty successful :). I don’t know if you know this, but I am a pretty charming individual. I got jokes. Our homie Drew was working at Red Robin at the time and he was cheesin, tell me how we make a good couple and shit. Maaaannn, I can make a pea plant into a princess if they with me. Haha, is that a good analogy?
Anyways, she was feeling your boy. I didn’t make a move or anything, I kept it very gentleman. Plus we went over how I’m really bad at making the first kiss so...yea.
Her cousin, satisfied with herself by playing matchmaker, decides to blast it all over Myspace like a fuckin dolt.
"ahhh mah Gawd, Jess and Mig on a date. Thank me for your babies"
That one date turned into Dan calling me the next day, CRYING. She thought that I was scheming with Jess for weeks and I dumped her because of it.
I’m so sorry baby girl!! It wasn’t like that at all! I didn’t even know her before we broke up, I promise! (She knows, I told her.)
Then a few days later, I get a myspace message from a dude named Alex, “COME MEET ME OR I FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE”.
Great Start Relationship!
I responded with, “Do I know you?”
Even though Jess has been texting me the past few days saying how much her ex wants to beat me up, and how I saw him driving on my street, and all the rumors I’ve been hearing from the various groups that he knows where I be at. Yea, I responded with that. Playing dumb….that's my thing *wink face*
You guys are seriously missing out on all the sarcasm and inflection I’m putting in my voice. I should read this to you, I’m in hysterics. Hahaha
He responds back with, “Sorry man, blowing off some steam”
What the fuck bruh! CATCH THESE HANDS MY GUY!! Why you gassing me up like we finna throw hands and pussy out on me like IF YOU FINNA SQUAB LETS SQUAB DEAD ASS
Shit B, I'll roll to your hood and be like, oh my god thank you so much I’ve never been in a fight and I would hate to cry in front of Jess cause she hella cute and I’m kinda fallin for her like GOD DAMN.
I'm not gonna lie, I was feeling Jess. 2 weeks in and it was beautiful ya know. Our first real date I took her to see Pirates of the Caribbean. She sat on my lap, didn't even kiss yet. Hella Cute. Your boy laying the charm game thick ja feelz?? Drop her off at her pad, I asked if I could kiss her, Ha ha! Shooting 100%, 1-for-1, young homie!
Next date, bring your bois bring your friends, you might learn something!
Oh my god bro, so check this out:
Jess calls me and asks me if I would like to accompany her while she runs some errands. That's when you know you in the good cause they asking you to run some shit with them. I was sick, running a fever, but I was like,
I come scoop you in that Coupe, sittin on deuce-zeroes
My Guy! Can you be anymore EXTRA RIGHT NOW??
I swear to you, all I wanted to do is pick up some extra toner for Jess' printer and perhaps eat a delicious rotisserie chicken from Boston Market. Maybe some neck? But Thats it! FUCK!
I can see him in my rear view mirror, his eyes wide with hate and resentment. His gaze pierces my mind, causing it to race in every direction. Different possible scenarios and every thing I knew about fighting flooded my brain.
Jess is speaking, but I can’t hear her. She's so very sweet and apologetic. She tells me not to worry and nothing will happen. I smile at her and I try to forget all the stories about this guy beating up her other ex-boyfriends. She puts her hand on my hand, and asks if she should call her Dad? I shoot her a stare, but I don’t answer. All I'm thinking about was a line I read randomly in a book, “90% percent of first punches are overhand rights”. Hahah, was it a book or was it make believe? I DONT KNOW IM GOING WITH IT. I AM 110% SURE OF THAT 90% STAT.
Whats worse is that I get fuckin lost on the way to Office Depot. FFFuuuuuuckkkk, We are literally driving in circles in this parking lot. LIKE THIS DUDE IS 7.5 FEET BEHIND ME AT ALL TIMES. This BITCH WAS ALL LIKE, "OH SHOULD WE PULL OVER AND ASK ALEX FOR DIRECTIONS?"
BITCH YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT.
Shiiiit, not only does he think I’m a pussy, but I’m also a fuckin goober. I finally find the place and park. and Jess asks me if I’m alright. I give her a smile and say I’m doing fine, before I blow my nose on a wad of tissues. Oh shit, I forgot to mention. I'm fuckin sick bro, like running a fever.
ITS FUCKIN GO TIME MIG
ITS FUCKIN GO TIME MIG
I see Alex and a small child walking up to us. Maaan, these fool looking all methy and shit(the 909 thats what we get out here). I grab a bic lighter to "pack my punch". (<- i dont know if this actually works) I get out of the car, trying to look as intimidating as possible. I walk towards them, fluffing up my jacket (I hear making yourself look bigger can ward off simple minded predators).
As we drew closer to each other my mind goes blank. What is this feeling? Is it fear? Anxiety? Excitement? This is something brand new. There was no prior experience, nor event that my brain can draw from. I didn’t know how to act. How to feel. I am alone on an island, away from comfort...away from encouragement. As we walked closer, it was as if I am was seeing this event in third person, in a bird's eye view. Like some sort of weird out of body experience...Beads of sweat rolled down my temple, and my hands became clammy from gripping the bic in my hand.
this was it.
This Was My Moment
TO PROVE MYSELF AS A MAN AND AS A HUMAN BEING.
"Hi My Name is Mig, it is nice to meet you!!" :D
*I shake his hand, and he is stunned, and befuddled*
“Ohhh, ummm Alex... I’m gonna talk to Jess." :/
He starts to walk away, but not before I say,
“Yea, of course, she's right over there” :D
CLOSE ENOUGH!
I give them their space and I’m left alone with his small child companion. Who evidently, isn’t a small child, but a man that is of my age, yet half my height! Wow! You are so tiny Fuckin Frodo!I should have gutted you, fuckin filthy hobbitses! I introduce myself to Samwise Gamgee and tried making conversation, but his mind is understandably somewhere else.(The shire!!)
We stand there in awkward silence for a few minutes. He has his eyes on Alex and Jess’ conversation, and I have my eyes to the ground, thinking to myself how he got his feet to fit into those tiny shoes! How adorable!
They finally end their conversation. As he walks passed me I give him a smile and a nod, but he doesn't make eye contact. Jess is waiting for me, and greets me with a warm embrace. I could finally relax. The fatigue from the sickness finally overtook me, and I slump over in her arms. Her smiles comforts me.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe you just shook his hand”
“Well yea...I mean...wait, what do you mean? In the car you said nothing was going to happen?”
“Yea I know, but he beat up my ex before him, just for being my ex”
“ I don’t know babes, maybe he was intimidated by me? I mean, look at me” (i mean, literally scroll up and look at me)
“Uhhhh.... so, I need to buy ink toner for my printer...you think they sell it here??”
That was our relationship. From 2005 to 2010. 5 years. That's a long time. Here are some key Moments:
On our second date she threw up in my car after bragging how much she can eat at an “All You Can Eat” Chinese food buffet. We were parked at a parking lot and said she wasn’t feeling very well. She proceeded to open the door to vomit, but she completely missed THE GROUND, only to vomit IN MY FUCKIN DOOR PANEL.
That one time I gave her too much weed brownie to eat so she threw up all over herself in my car. I had driven all the way to Pasadena from Rancho when she threw up on herself, so I had to drive all the way back in rush hour traffic. The whole ride home was her mumbling, "I fuckin hate you...i fuckin hate you".
I was a good boyfriend! I hosed her down in the front yard!
The many occasions where we would go out to party and she would have too many MADORI SOURS AND BACON COVERED HOT DOGS and just throws up in my car!! No regrets. No apologies. That's what I loved about you baby girl!
There was a lot of vomit involved the first half of the relationship. It was when she stopped vomiting, that was when things got a little rocky.
The second time we broke up I used the half of the lyrics to Usher's Burn to tell her how I felt.
“Umm, Liz...It gonna hurt for me to say this, but it’s coming from my heart. You know this has been a long time coming, but we kinda fell apart. It’s hard, and we tried to work this out, but I don’t think we are going to change. I think its best if we go our separate ways…"
I know, I'm awful, moving on!
The first time we had sex was on my brothers bed. OH MY GOOOD IM SO SORRY AGAIN! OMG, IM NOT SORRY NOT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST .
Ok.....Ummmm, so there was that one time that I came over one night to sleep at her crib. It was a big deal. We rarely slept together, like, "sleeping sleeping", we had plenty of the other stuff. I like sleeping with my girlfriends, like taking naps, cuddling, pillow talking-- all that good stuff. Sleeping alone remains my biggest regret about being single. I like holding things.
Her parents decided to go to Vegas for the week end, so what a perfect time for me to sleep over. The night was smooth and going great, until we were awakened at 3am in the morning TO HER PARENTS COMING THE FUCK HOME. Panic overtook us and she quickly rushed me to get dressed. I'm screaming, running around in circles, shes throwing clothes at me. and I tell her that I should probably just hide in the closet until morning. She said NO. She had a better idea.
Her plan? Have me jump down from her second story roof and escape through the night. FUCK NO! I play ball bitch, I have bad knees. Her reply? “My ex did it so you can do it too”. WONDERFUL JESSICA, YOU ARE EXPERIENCED IN DECEPTION AND ESCAPE.
So I put on my clothes and rushed onto her roof. I look down and it's a good 10-15 feet. I'm mentally prepping myself. I wasn’t on the roof for 3 minutes before I hear her Mom say,
“Jessica, we heard the window open, please tell Mig to get down from the Roof”
FUUUUUUUCK. This bitch got me caught the fuck up. So I reenter and her room. She smiles at me with this look, and we just have this moment, and thinking about that night I just love her for that. Hahaha.
So I head downstairs and she follows me to her garage where her parents were at. So her mom starts lecturing me like I forgot to defrost the frozen chicken for dinner.
"How can you be so irresponsible...do you know what time it is??? Does your mother know where your at???"
Yoooooo, I'm like 22 bro, I don't even get this from my mom. Of course, being the nice Filipino boy that I am, I’m very apologetic and I tell her that it will never happen again blah blah blah, and of course, being the spiteful head ass snitch that she is, SHE ASKS FOR MY MOM'S NUMBER!!
LIKE WHAT?? FOR WHAT REASON THO??? I look at Jess, and she's scared, and I'm like...fuck man, I guess I can give it to you. I wasn’t about to get banned from my girl's house. Jess got all the instruments to Rock Band and you know I be playing the guitar and singing on the mic at the same damn time.(Omg, please buy me that)
I give her my mom's cel phone number and I rush the fuck home. Her house is literally across the street, so I am home in like 2 minutes. My mom is already at the top of the stairs speaking to her mom on the phone. FUUUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS IT'S ALMOST 4AM. My mom is glaring at me, like the fuck did you do?? I rush to her side and she angles the phone so I can hear.
Yooooo, so she hits my mom with the, “Do you know where your son is at 3am in morning”. Dawg, let me tell you something about my mom, she is the sweetest most loving caring person in the world but she a real one.
“My son is 22 years old, he is an adult he can do whatever he wants”
“WELL, I just caught your son in my daughter's room”
“How do you think he got there? I don’t think he snuck in there all by himself right?”
HAHAHAHAHAH THE REALEST!!!!!!
That had me dying!!!! I didn’t listen to the rest because my mom was handing out L’s like the mailman. GUTS. She finished the phone call, smacked me on my head. “MIG, what is wrong with you getting caught?? Oh my god, she better not call me again at 4am...oh my god...you are an adult, and so is Jess. Oh my good, I feel sorry for Jess. AARRGHH, now I got to go earlier to church so I don’t rip her hair next time I see her. GO TO BED I have work!!!”
Jess and I had some some great times and memorable experiences. I will always cherish and remember the moments that we had together. She was and still remains the beautiful and caring individual I once met. Over the course of the 5 years I grew distant and unstaisfied. I felt unhappy with my position in life, and I wanted more from it. I needed a change and I thought that staying with Jess debilitated my growth. I’m not saying that she restricted my actions or prevented me from doing whatever bullshit I wanted to do, but I was young and I wanted to experience new things.
Look, Jess is stable, I know where my life is headed with her. It’s having kids, living in the suburbs, and being a middle income household. We’d go to Disneyland once a week in the summer, and I would cook every night while we watched chopped or Iron Chef. That’s a beautiful life, and I would kill for something like that, but I don't know...I don't know if I wanted that. It's awful, and a shitty feeling. It's like regretting waking up to banana pancakes in the morning, and I love banana pancakes!
I knew this a few years into our relationship, but I was a coward and I couldn’t muster enough courage to break up with her. I kept thinking, “Man, I really love this girl, and I don’t want to hurt her but if i do break up with her its finna break her heart but staying together is going to hurt me, and I dont want to build up this fucked resentment towards her or myself and thats going to hurt her even more in the future and I could have saved us a whole bunch of grief if I would have just broken up with her years ago, but instead why do i decide to string her along with my lukewarm disenchanted selfish asshole attitude....fuuuck”
I don’t remember breaking it off with her. I remember it took a few tries. I would sit her in my room and tell her my feelings and she would just not stop crying. Please Stooop crying! Just stop! You're making me cry and your crying is so arousing! And then we would have sex and I would have to start this whole fuckin process all over again.
Shit man, tears are fuckin hot ok? and it is one of my turn ons. Emotional vvulnerability in women is like,...Ugh! Don't fuckin judge me okay? We all have weird kinks. DON'T KINK SHAME THIS IS 2017. Other notable turn ons - Alcohol breath, sincerity(omg, so hard looking for porn vids with “sincerity” as the search topic), wit/smarts, Nala from the lion king (2D girls), verbal/emotional abuse, and an authoritative figure. LOL.
Anyways, we break up and it was a real turning point for me. Here I am, 25, at the precipice of adulthood and I still didn't know who I was, or what I wanted in a significant other. It's frustrating ya know, because I dated this beautiful person who I will be so lucky to have, but I can't stay with her. I can't be happy, and i don't know. It's six years later and I have the same issue. It's stupid, like are my standards too high? Did romantic comedies and Disney movies skew my view on relationships? Or should I not settle? I'll know my true love when i meet her? I've met countless people who knew right away who they were going to marry, and I've met countless other people that regret that shit. I low key think my mom kinda regrets it. I mean i know she loves my dad, but she deserves so much more ya know?
It saddens me sometimes, because I see my friends with their significant others and I ask myself, whats wrong with me? Why am i denied the comfort and pleasure of another person? Why can't i just fall in love like everybody else? Why do I want to spend the rest of my life with you today, but leave you tomorrow? Is it because I'm afraid of commitment? An actual deep intimate relationship? Is that why I have to sabotage myself and push Jess away? Does the urge to get back into awful relationships a passive way for me to avoid commitment? Or is it because I'm a Libra? Lol, that is one of our traits right?
"Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts." -edgar allan poe
8/31/2020 POST EDIT
I’m sorry, but i should have edited this much sooner. I’ve done a lot of self-reflection over the years and I’m happy and proud to say that i am not the same person i was 4-5 years ago when i wrote this. If you haven’t noticed already I have a high opinion of myself. Not that its a bad thing, but my arrogance does cloud my judgement and perspective on past events. I just wanted to set the record straight on this story, and i wanted to add to this story rather than edit it with my new feelings.
I apologize to Jess. I made it seem that I was settling and was ultimately going to be unhappy with our future together. How stupid and arrogant was I to make such a claim on someone so beautiful inside and out. I know she read this story after i published it online and i feel a profound regret in ever eliciting feelings of inadequacy or contentment.
To be honest i was the one who was unhappy. I was the one who felt inadequate. I was the one who projected my depression and doubts to our relationship and drove a wedge between us. That was all me, and I’m sorry i ever hurt you. That sucks, and I’m sorry that it took me this long to confront my failures. You were nothing but supportive, loving, and nurturing, but i took all of that for granted and squandered our future.
You’re too good to me
You’re way too good to me
